All That I Want
by TurnMyGriefToGrace
Summary: A MerDer Christmas one-shot based after 5.10. Talking, progress, holiday fluff. Hopefully a nice holiday fic. Enjoy.


**Disclaimer: If I owned it, there would be MerDer development, talking, fluff, and a Christmas episode this year. Clearly, I don't own it.**

**Just a MerDer Christmas one-shot based in season five, post 5.10, with those things mentioned above. ;)**

_ And when the cold wind's blowing_

_Snow drifts through the pine trees_

_In houses lights are glowing_

_Likewise in your eyes that find me here_

Christmas. It's a holiday you've always loved; it's probably your favorite. Maybe it's because of the Shepherd name. When you were a kid, every Christmas was magical. You had your family--sisters, mom, dad (for a while, anyway), and of course Mark. But as with anything else, your holiday spirit has become a little jaded over the years. It's really no one's fault, although the year of marital infidelity certainly didn't make the season any merrier.

But this Christmas, it seems you've found the magic again. And it has nothing to do with Santa or elves or jingle bells. None of that. The person next to you helped you find the magic. Meredith wasn't (and probably still isn't) a Christmas person, but she's here with you, making an effort to be Christmas-y. As you sit curled up on the couch with her on Christmas Eve, you can't help but smile. This is so simple, and yet, it's all you've really ever wanted with her.

"So...he steals all the presents, gives them back, and none of the Whos even gives a crap? Because I'd be pissed..." Meredith states; her head resting on your shoulder.

You laugh at her over-analyzation of a children's Christmas movie. "Mer, it's _The Grinch_. Don't think into it too much..."

"I'm just saying, in the real world, he'd probably get prison time for that," she insists as she bites into a cookie Izzie baked for them a few hours ago.

"Probably," you agree. Technically, she's right. You kiss the top of her head and can't help but feel a little sad for her. The first time you saw this movie, you were five. For Meredith, it's thirty-two.

She's cynical about the whole holiday thing, but as you think about what holidays were like for her as a kid, it's really no wonder why. Meredith's memories of Christmas probably consisted of a day spent with the nanny while Ellis was off at the hospital tending to the holiday idiots. Meredith didn't get Barbies or dress-up clothes or doll houses. She got Anatomy Jane with the detachable uterus (or as Meredith calls it, the _jelly pouch_), which she probably enjoys just as much now as she did then, considering it's sitting upright on the bookshelf in the living room for all to see.

Not much holiday magic in the Meredith chronicles.

"That was kind of cute. Bad message, but it was cute," she concludes, shifting slightly on the couch.

When she realizes most of the blanket is pooled by her feet, she pulls it up and drapes it over both of you. Though you would never point it out to her, she's been doing things like that a lot lately. Her little, affectionate gestures remind you why _she's_ the love of your life. It almost makes you want to give her her gift now, but you decide to wait until tomorrow, wanting it to be perfect.

"Glad you liked it," you say with a small smile.

Meredith tucks her feet up onto the couch and readjusts herself so that her head is resting on your chest. You wrap your arms around her and breathe in the soft scent of her hair that comforts you like nothing else. It reminds you that she's here. With you. And neither of you are going anywhere. "So are we just going to hang around the house tomorrow?" she asks.

"Yeah, that sounds good," you reply, somewhat happily. Meredith 2.0 still surprises you. The old Meredith would have made up some excuse to go over Cristina's or escape off to the hospital to celebrate the holiday gore. But now, she's happy to just spend the day with you. And truthfully, that's better than any material gift she could give you.

She reaches over for the remote and begins flipping through the channels. "_Charlie Brown Christmas_. This any good?" Meredith asks, resting her hand on your flannel pajama-covered thigh.

"Holiday classic. I'd love to hear your commentary," you joke, earning you a nudge in the arm.

"Shut up," Meredith giggles. That sound still makes you smile. She's learning to let her guard down. She knows that you're not going to up and leave. And because of it, she's smiling more, laughing more. And you've made a vow to keep it that way.

The movie doesn't go by without her share of critiques. And you love her even more for it. "Linus's little speech was cute," is her only compliment.

"That happens to be my favorite part too," you grin.

"Hmm...We're a perfect match," Meredith smirks as she rolls over in your arms, meeting you face to face.

You lean in and kiss her, unable to resist the urge to do so. She has that power over you, and you wouldn't change it for the world.

"It's getting late. Want to head upstairs?"

"Yeah," you nod in agreement. After folding up the blanket and putting the empty mugs and plates in the sink, the two of you go upstairs. Once in bed, you pull her into your arms as always. It's comforting, falling asleep next to her night. There's nowhere else you'd rather be than right here.

"I've never really had a _good _Christmas before," she confides in you, like she's whispering a secret in the dark.

You give her a sympathetic smile and kiss her forehead. "I know," you respond sadly, wishing it wasn't true.

She bites her lip for a moment, pondering what to say next before speaking again. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"You like Christmas, and you're here...helping me like it too," Meredith explains. She puts her palm on your cheek and kisses you sweetly. It's not a kiss to initiate sex, just something soft and tender, letting you both know how much you care about each other.

"I love you," you whisper. Much to your pleasant surprise, you've been saying those words every once in a while, and not once has she bolted for the door. She actually smiles and says them back. She's even says it to you first sometimes.

"I love you, too," she says softly. Those little words carry so much meaning. But it's a simple thing, really. Saying "I love you." And you realize that you probably could have said it months ago, and gotten the same result. She does love you. She really _really_ does.

"Merry Christmas."

Meredith smiles and moves herself closer to you. "Merry Christmas."

--

You're in no rush to wake up the next morning. For the first time in what seems like months, the two of you get to sleep in, so you take advantage of it. You wake up on your own around 9:30 to discover that she's still sound asleep next to you, snoring softly. Meredith's snoring doesn't really bother you anymore; it's become almost like a white noise that you find hard to sleep without. Rather than wake her up, you silently tiptoe out of the room and go downstairs to get her a cup of coffee.

Izzie and Alex are already in the kitchen. She's started making the Christmas ham, and he's been delegated to peeling potatoes. You smile and wish them a Merry Christmas. Having roommates isn't so bad, especially when they're willing to make Christmas dinner.

When you return to your bedroom, she's still sleeping; her hair a mess of waves over her pillow. Bracing yourself for the rant you suspect is coming, you set the coffee down on her nightstand and rub her shoulder gently in an attempt to wake her. No luck. "Mer," you whisper, brushing your lips over hers.

"Hmm..." she hums sleepily.

"It's Christmas. Want to get up?" you ask softly.

Meredith opens one eye and looks at you apathetically. "Why?"

You can't help but chuckle. She's certainly not a morning person. "Because. It's our first Christmas together, and I want to spend the whole day enjoying it with you."

She reluctantly sits up, but smiles slightly when she sees the coffee you brought for her. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," you say, just happy to be here with her.

"So where's your reindeer sweater?" she quips, raising her eyebrows in jest as she takes a sip of the hot coffee.

"Mocking me on Christmas. That hurts," you smirk. You notice how her left hand wraps around the mug; her bare fourth finger catches your eye, and you feel your heartbeat speed up a bit. By night's end, there's going to be a ring there.

And you know she's completely oblivious. You'd even venture to guess that your roommates know what you're planning. But not Mer. And that just makes you all the more excited (and ten times more nervous too).

"I just assumed you would own one..." Meredith shrugs, setting the mug back on the nightstand. She shimmies herself closer to you, still under the blanket and leans in to kiss you.

"I'll buy us matching ones next year," you murmur against her lips.

She pulls back to look at you and smiles. "And I'll put them in the hospital lost and found before you have a chance to take the tags off."

Her sarcasm is one of the things you love most. Meredith never lets you be _too _McDreamy without calling you on it. "That's just mean," you chuckle, taking a sip of her coffee when she hands it to you.

There is it again. A little, affectionate gesture. It eases your nervousness a little over your pending proposal. This is Meredith, she loves you.

"I'd be doing it for your own good," she giggles. "So do you want to go open presents?"

You smile. "Love to."

--

By the time everything is unwrapped, the living room floor is covered in gift wrap, but no one particularly cares, even Izzie, whose content sitting on the couch with Alex while the four of you pay half-hearted attention to the parade on TV.

You and Meredith are curled onto the other couch and she's admiring the new watch you got her. Her other one was too loose and always slipped up and down her arm. The one you got her looks similar to that one, but it's newer, shinier, and fits her--kind of like your relationship this time around. Exactly what you both wanted.

Of course, you got her other things too; nothing big or extravagant, just things you know she wanted or needed. And she did the same for you. New earphones for your iPod, pajama pants, _The Clash Greatest Hits _CD, and a new fishing-themed scrub cap amongst other things. Meredith knows you better than anyone else.

She laces your fingers through hers and kisses your cheek. "Love you," she whispers.

Every time she says it, you could almost swear your heart stops for a moment. "I love you, too," you say just as softly, brushing your lips over hers.

Meredith's friends come over for dinner around four, as you knew they would. It doesn't bother you that they're here. They're Meredith's family. You and them. After a couple of hours, when the food is eaten, stories are told, and the family togetherness has reached its limit, they trek off to Joe's for the annual Christmas dart tournament. Only Meredith's friends would go to the bar on Christmas...

Normally, you'd laugh; but now, you couldn't be more thankful. Now you and Meredith have the house to yourselves for at least the next few hours. Both of you were invited to join the group, but opted to stay home and take advantage of the quiet. It's just the two of you in the room with the lit Christmas tree (and all of the other decorations of course). Izzie even made you a stocking that's hanging up next to Meredith's on the fireplace. These people are your family, too.

Just like the night before, both of you end up on the couch in your pajamas watching the overly-played Christmas movies. It's _Rudolph_ this time. She actually seems to like this one.

You reach into your pocket and feel the smooth velvet box with your fingers. Meredith (still oblivious) continues watching the movie; her legs draped over your lap. It surprises you that she doesn't seem to hear your heart beating in your chest. Something like this should be easy. Asking Meredith to spend the rest of her life with you is what you want--what she wants. And still, there's something about this moment that like getting ready to go down the roller coaster hill. Equal parts fear, anticipation, and thrill.

As you watch the Misfit Toys singing about something or other, your mind is elsewhere, pondering the right moment to do this. Is there a right moment, really? She's going to remember it no matter when you choose to do it. Reaching into your pocket, you take a breath. She laughs slightly at the cartoon, and you take this as the cue.

You kneel down on one knee and pull the black velvet box from the pocket of your pajama pants. Meredith's eyes meet yours, and she's staring at you, mouth slightly ajar. The tears are already building in her eyes. She's not so oblivious anymore. "Derek," she whispers. A few stray tears slide down her cheeks and you notice how her eyes seem to change from green to an almost crystal blue as moisture builds in them.

Seeing her tears, some begin to come to your eyes too. "Meredith," you manage to say. "Will you marry me?" You contemplated a speech to go along with this, but know that no matter what you said: a) it wouldn't even begin to describe how much you love her, and b) she wouldn't be paying the slightest bit of attention anyway. When you open the ring box, you're not even sure she looked at it. Her eyes haven't left their focus on yours since you got on your knee.

"Der," she says breathily. "Seriously?"

You can't help but chuckle a little when she asks that question. But then again, this is Meredith, and that word happens to be one of her favorites. "Yes," you say with a small smile.

It only takes her a split second to respond and she immediately nods. "Yeah," she whispers, remembering that she's supposed to give you her hand.

You pull the diamond ring from its velvet case and slide it onto her finger. It fits her. Perfectly.

"Derek," she gasps, looking at the ring for the first time; the colored lights from the Christmas tree bouncing off it and making it glimmer with the blues and reds, greens and yellows. She slides off the couch, and deposits herself on your lap. "I love you," she murmurs, pressing her lips to yours as tears still make their way down her face.

"I love you, too."

"Oh God," she whispers, running a hand through her hair. "I can't even believe..." She lets out a deep breath. "How long...I mean, you planned this?"

"I was thinking of holding off until Valentine's Day, but I couldn't wait any longer," you chuckle. "But I've had the ring since we got back together..."

Meredith cocks her head slightly; her fingers playing with the hair at the nape of your neck. "You did?" she asks with a small sniffle as a result of her tears.

"Mmhmm," you hum, leaning in to kiss her again.

"I didn't know you were--I knew that eventually you probably were, but I just wasn't expecting..." she rambled adorably.

You smile at her and wrap your arms around her waist. "Well, it wouldn't be really surprising if you expected it," you laugh, kissing her forehead.

"Definitely wasn't expecting it," Meredith giggles softly. She rests her chin on your shoulder as you pull her close, never wanting to let go.

"Told you I'd make our first Christmas together special...", you grin smugly.

She laughs at your feigned arrogance. "You did." When she kisses you again, it takes you by surprise; so much so that you fall on your back. Rather than lying on top of you, Meredith rolls onto her side, and the two of you end up practically under the tree. "Thank you," she whispers.

You wrap your arm around her waist loosely. "For what?"

"Before today, I wasn't really...big on holidays. But now...there's an engagement ring on my finger, and..." she said, still trying to process the last five minutes.

"I wasn't so big on holidays up until now either--not for a while actually," you sigh before smiling. "I like them again."

"Why is that?" Meredith asks as she runs her ringers through your hair.

Hugging her a little tighter, you whisper, "You."

"Hmm..." is all she says in response. Meredith's holidays never had magic to begin with, but she's beginning to realize that now, with you, it's possible. The magic that was missing for so many years is back. For both of you. And it has nothing to do with gifts or cartoons about reindeer. It's about how much you love the person next to you. _She's_ the one that gives the holidays magic.

"We need to celebrate or whatever," she concludes, rolling on top of you.

"By?"

Meredith smiles coyly at you. The two of you really only have one means of celebrating anything. And that...is something you hope never changes.

"Under the tree?" you ask with a smirk, half joking.

"Why not?" she shrugs. "It's Christmas."

"Good point."

Meredith makes the holidays magical again. And that's something to celebrate.

_All that I want_

_All that I want_

**I figured we could all use a little MerDer holiday happiness. Hope you liked it! And happy holidays! :)**


End file.
